Closet Cleaning

       The condominium Tom and I currently live in has very limited closet space. In fact, when we moved in, there was only one closet -- a walk-in one just off our bedroom. We later put in a front hall closet and a small storage space under the stairs. But it still isn't very much room. And as the late George Carlin said in his famous monologue, a house is basically just a place to "keep your stuff....and sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore." 

       As much as Tom and I don't want to admit it, I'm sure that is at least one subconscious reason we want to move. We do need more room for our stuff. At the same time though, we have agreed that we don't want to just move over everything we own. We know that some of our stuff is old, out of style, no longer needed or redundant.  So we agreed to clean out our walk-in closet. 

       I have heard a range of theories on closet cleaning: Throw out everything that you haven't worn in one year. Or is it two years? Don't keep anything you have owned for longer than ten years. Don't wait for out-of-style fashions to come back in style.

       Today, however, I developed and applied my own theory: "What Would Audrey Wear?" 

       Of course, if I was totally true to this question, I would have thrown out everything that wasn't a size 2 and designed by Givenchy. That, however, would have left me with exactly nothing. 

       Luckily, I am a reasonable person. Instead, I tried to consider which items of clothing were stylish without being overly trendy, classic but not dowdy. as well as which items were well-made and flattering.

       I quickly worked my way through my side of the closet.  No longer would I keep over-sized, schlumpy sweatshirts  or fleeces -- even my favorite red one that I tend to wear at least once a year, when I am really cold. No more of Tom's worn out dress shirts, which I love to wear while slouching around or napping. And also no trendy blouses that have somehow grown too small on me, including the turquoise one that I nearly threw out the last time I cleaned the closet. No unlined blazers or jackets. No shorts or skorts. I'm too old for those anyway. And no short tops and tanks that looked so good two years ago, but now look so very wrong. And no men's T-shirts, especially the countless ones that have been given to me at all kinds of sporting events. I never, ever wear those anyway, even though I always imagine they would be good for working out or maybe house-painting -- both of which I generally try not to do.

       All these clothes formed piles for charity, except for Tom's old shirts -- which I put in the waste basket.

       And I went still further -- no more clothes with stains on them. 

       I work hard to keep my clothes clean. I use Oxy-Clean, Spray 'n Wash or Zout. I scrub and re-wash and do my best to get stains out. Occasionally, I am not successful. But often I still keep those stained clothes. Some are former favorites I don't want to give up on. Other times, I figure they are fine for wearing around the house, even though I remain aware, all day long, that they are stained.

       But I can't imagine Audrey ever wearing stained clothes, even just to hang out at home -- even when wearing jeans and a sweatshirt while singing "Moon River". So out they went -- all of them -- this time, right into bags and then into the dumpster.

       I piled up a few other pieces of clothing for short-term storage -- some classic, well-made items that currently are too small on me. Maybe if I diet, or shrink, I will fit into them again. But if that doesn't happen in a year or two, they will be given away too.

       And in only a few hours, I was done cleaning my closet -- Audrey-style.  

       Tom will have to come up with his own theory for his side of the closet.