Bifocals (sort of)!

        I think one cause of my recent self-image issues (other than the fact that I am aging) pertains to the wearing of glasses.         

        I have needed some vision correction since around the age of 20.  For some reason, many of my law school classmates seemed to start needed help around the same time -- too much reading, possibly?  By the end of law school, it was clear I needed glasses. But I couldn't stand glasses for some reason. I just didn't feel like myself behind them. Maybe I had already spent too much of my life without them, and simply couldn't get used to the change? 

       In any case, I switched to contact lenses almost immediately...and adapted to them so well that I brought along anyone I could to the change -- patiently helping friends and loved ones (including Tom) learn to put contact lenses in their own eyes, helping them if they had problems and telling them to stick with it, until they too were converts.

       But about 3 years ago, I started to have my own problems.  My eyes were red a lot, and people often asked me if I was tired -- which annoyed the hell out of me.  I used eye drops, but things didn't get a lot better. Several months later, I noticed my vision seemed a bit off somehow. I wasn't able to focus on books for as long as I normally liked to. I went to the optometrist and was told everything was okay. And then I went to a second optometrist, who said the same thing...

       And then one Friday I started to have floaters in one of my eyes -- little black spots that moved around my vision, and occasionally made me think I was seeing birds fly from one place to another. I also had a few bright flashes of light.  Nothing more happened over the weekend, but while walking Olympia Monday morning, and watching the floaters flit around my eye, I suddenly knew something was seriously wrong. 

        I hurried home with Olympia and looked up my symptoms on mayoclinic.com.  Within minutes, I had diagnosed a torn retina, and knew I would need emergency eye surgery.  Tom was out of town, as was my closest friend and my closest neighbor.  I would have to deal with this myself. I quickly did more internet research to find one of the top ophthalmologists in town, but before I called, I carefully showered, dressed and packed a large purse for a possible hospital stay. I called a few more neighbors to try to find someone to look after Oly, but had no success. Then, I called the doctor's office, was told to come in immediately, and filling Oly's water bowls, went out alone to meet my fate...

        Anyway, it turns out that the surgery was an in-office laser procedure. Still, it was extremely urgent and serious, and fairly painful. The doctor zapped my eye more than a hundred times -- repeatedly ordering me to stop flinching -- and then said it was fixed. Then, about four months later -- while I was visiting my parents in California -- the same thing happened to the other eye. And I had to find a new doctor who fixed me up again. 

        All that is to say that I have had a rather rough time with my eyes lately. And when it came time to start wearing lenses again, I was nervous.  Although the doctor said there was no reason I couldn't wear lenses full-time, they felt uncomfortable to me. They seemed to scratch my eyes. It seemed I couldn't see that well with them. I went back to the doctor and he told me there was no reason not to use contacts and to just wear them!

        Still, I wasn't able to do it. I had become like those fearful, complaining people who I had earlier helped transition into contacts. And I wore my glasses, even though I hated how I looked in them. I even bought several inexpensive pairs so I could change my glasses look, like I change my clothing. 

        For a few months, I convinced myself that I looked a least a little bit chic, but then I decided I really hated them. And when I started to feel bad about myself, the glasses seemed to make me feel even worse.

        And on top of that, I was constantly lifting the glasses on and off -- wearing them to see things in the distance, but taking them off when I wanted to read up close. I ended up keeping glasses perched on top of my head, so I could have them handy. Sometimes, I would find that I had two pairs of glasses on top of my head.

        So last week, I decided I had had enough. I went back to the eye doctor again, and told him that I simply must have lenses again. 

        And this time, he gave me multi-focal lenses -- essentially bifocal contacts! Talk about feeling old!

        And the doctor, not one for great bedside manner, told me to see if I could stand them, and to come back in a week. I could tell by his tone that he thought I would come back whining again.  

        Once home, I looked them up on the internet and read that some people do have trouble coping with multi-focal lenses. I told a few friends about them, all of whom seemed to have heard horror stories about dizziness and headaches and so on.  

        But it is a week later, and I think they're working for me.  I can see very well in the far and middle distance. I am having a little trouble seeing up close, but wanted to keep on trying, so I am using them for another week.

       Yes, my eyes do feel scratchy and get red. But at least I feel like myself. And I am determined to make these lenses work.

        Like those people I gently guided into wearing lenses, I am patiently doing the same with myself -- a few hours a day, with lots of eye drops and even more positive attitude. 

        I will overcome!