School for Guys

       I have long suspected that at some point in his pre-Brenda past, Tom attended "guy school".  At this secret academy, Tom and other guys like him learned to be so spectacularly inept at simple household tasks that they would never be asked to do them again.

       I have actually inquired about the curriculum at this school, but Tom refuses to talk about it, just as he still refuses, even after 15 years of marriage, to tell me the words to his secret fraternity pledge. Perhaps the two are even related, and the lessons in ineptitude are part of the fraternity hazing process. However it happened, the training is evident, particularly when it comes to loading the dishwasher.

       When Tom loads the dishwasher, he randomly scatters dishes, glasses, bowls and pans across the interior. Glasses might be placed lying down on the bottom rack of the dishwasher, or hanging haphazardly over the prongs on the top. A single cookie sheet might be laid over the entire bottom rack, meaning nothing else can be placed there at all. And when I try to tell him there is another way, he just walks away, his actions telling me that if I don't like the way he does things, maybe I should just do it myself. Surely this is the ultimate goal of the Guy Academy program. But since Martha had had a positive influence on our life recently, I figured that her expert advice might finally override his training. Among other things, Martha advises the following:

• Delicate dishes and glassware should be placed in the upper rack
  
• Place everything in the upper rack facedown; everything in the lower rack facing the center
• Don't place items over the prongs on the upper rack.  Glasses and mugs should go in the rows between the prongs while bowls should be placed in the center.

      

       This picture shows the way things should look. 

       When I shared these rules with Tom last week, he walked away, showing his training remained highly effective. But when I told these rules to my father-in-law the night before last, as he loaded the dishwasher, he loudly exclaimed, "Martha says that?" He then yelled excitedly to my mother-in-law , "Hey, did you know that Martha Stewart says that glasses are not supposed to go across the prongs? They're supposed to go between them!" 

       I was pleased to have been able to impart this important life knowledge with him just prior to his 75th birthday...until I noticed that he continued to place the remaining glasses and mugs in the dishwasher at random, some across the prongs, some lying down, and maybe one or two in the rows between the prongs.

       I suspect now that in addition to ineptness lessons, guy school also teaches acting skills.  If anyone has more information on this secret training, kindly post it below.